Hoping for healing

Hoping for healing

Twelve years ago my life changed utterly. I was 18 years old and, though I’m not proud to admit it, very immature even for my age.

I drank too much, had very few morals, and did a lot of bad things. Well, I paid for my silly, selfish, bad behaviour. I’m still paying for it now to be honest.

There was a boy – let’s call him Mark. It wasn’t his real name but it’s close enough. I was a tease and I got drunjk with him and some other friends. I behaved like a slut and I got my punishment soon enough.

Drunk and strutting like a slut, I went back to his place. That was where he raped me.

For years I’ve known I could and should have acted differently. I blamed myself for what happened and I still do to a large extent. I’ve been full of self-hatred and full of hatred for my own gender.

Women are weak! Well, at least, that’s what I thought. And I certainly thought that I was weak. Until very recently.

I was lucky enough to meet and marry a wonderful man. We’ve been together for six years now and have three lovely children. He adores me and I do him. He’d never treat me like “Mark” did.

Recently I’ve joined a few forums on rape. Two of them have been brilliant and supportive’; one began by being hostile and has started to be understanding and sympathetic; the other one was hostile from the beginning and banned me on Easter Sunday.

Some good people, both men and women, have been helping me to understand myself better. What makes me most ashamed of myself was that – I’m afraid there’s no delicate way of putting this – I had an orgasm while I was being raped.

How can I be such a slut? I must be totally worthless if I actually CAME from being raped? I must have really WANTED it to happen.

That’s how I felt for 12 years now. Recently some good people have explained to me that it’s quite common for a woman to become sexually aroused and have an orgasm while she’s being raped. It DOESN’T mean that she consented to it or that she REALLY wanted it.

That’s come as a bit of a revelation to me. Stupid, maybe, but I’ve always looked on myself as a dirty little whore for coming while I was being raped.

Maybe now I realise it isn’t so and it WASN’T my fault maybe I can START the process of healing and forgiveness. Maybe I can even forgive myself for what happened.

I certainly hope so.

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Take some time

This is a poem I wrote two days ago (not very good but from the heart anyway).

Take some time:

If you take the time to know me
I’m really not so bad;
Just another mixed-up girl,
Perhaps a little mad;
I’ve had a trauma in my life
That’s made me very sad,
Full of self-hatred and of shame
And wishing that I had
Behaved in quite a different way,
And been more fully clad
Instead of strutting like a slut
In front of a young lad.

He took my innocence and youth
When I was just eighteen;
He raped me, but the awful truth
Was that I’ve felt unclean
For many years since that sad day
Because I CAME, to my dismay.

Oh, what a worthless slut am I,
That when he chose to satisfy
His lust upon my quivering flesh
My body, trapped in its own mesh
Of God knows what, in its own spasm
Responded to him with an ORGASM!

How can I help but blame myuself
For what occurred? Oh, on the shelf
Of memory’s tattered, faded bloom
I live again the shameful doom
When unaware and fresh, I fell
Into an endless inner hell.

I’ve had a trauma in my life
That’s left me very sad,
But if you take the time to know me
I’m really not so bad,
Just another mixed-up girl,
Perhaps a little mad.

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About me. Well, I’m married with three kids.

I’ve been through trauma and I’m slowly trying to heal myself.

A lot of good people are helping me to do that.

I’m very grateful to them.

I spent years hating myself and hating my gender and I hope I’m slowly learning not to do that.

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Hoping to heal

I’m very mixed up and right now I’m trying to heal myself. I’ve had a bit of a revelation and I’ll be posting a lot of stuff that’s quite different from what I had in my other blog.

People have helped me to heal and I want to pay them back for their kindness because I was such damaged goods.

This blog is the beginning of my thank you to them all.

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